I’m Back!

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It has been quite a while since I’ve posted anything on here, and lots has happened. Let me summarise the past 2 years for you.

My last post was almost exactly two years ago, at that time I was in my final year of university (studying business management) and I had just moved in with my boyfriend (let’s call him mr eX). He had quit his job so he could live with me abroad, and left all of his family and friends behind, pretty romantic no?

Shortly after mr eX moved here, we learnt that his brother had been diagnosed with cancer, this was of course quite upsetting (at least so I thought), so I asked mr ex if he wanted to move back home. He said that he was perfectly fine living abroad, he would just go and visit more often because they weren’t really that close to begin with. Though I couldn’t fully understand this, as I would go back home instantly if anything was ever to happen to either one of my sisters, but I respected his decision. I kept in close contact with his family, and we went back there whenever we could.

In the following months mr eX became more distant towards me. He had gotten a new job, and was spending every afternoon/evening out in the pub with his colleagues. He would often not talk to me at all for days, and get upset with me if I dared to ask where he had been. I didn’t think too much of it at the time, I just thought he was struggling with his brother’s disease so I decided to just be there for him if he needed me. In all honesty, I didn’t even have that much time myself as I was busy with my final year of university, which was a lot of work.

Another couple of months went by and my and mr eX were barely talking any more, and he often didn’t come home until I was already asleep. He also started hiding his laptop and phone from me, guarding it with passwords. At this point I think I already knew, but I didn’t have time to get into it. I wanted to pass my final exams in May and graduate in June.

I believe it was around March when things got worse. Aside from not talking to me, mr eX no longer wanted to have sex with me, at all. This did not only make me very sad and insecure, but with everything else going on, also very suspicious. I tried asking him what was wrong, was he really struggling this much with his brother’s situation? Did he really not just want to move back to be with him? I even asked him if he was cheating on me, which he denied. I was getting rather frustrated at this point and was extremely stressed out. Though I was trying my best to focus on my studies, I cried myself to sleep every single night.

In April, a few weeks before my 26th birthday, I found some hair on his jacket which weren’t mine. I asked him how these got on his jacket, and he responded that it must have transferred from someone else’s jacket in the pub. As I was already highly suspicious and hurt, I no longer believed him at this point. I knew about his past relationships, and he had cheated on every single one of his ex girlfriends as well so I asked him again; “are you cheating on me?” But again he denied. The next evening he didn’t come home again, and I lost it. Even though I know it is wrong to invade someone’s privacy, I hacked into his laptop and read his emails and social media messages. Then, of course, I found out he was indeed cheating on me with one of his female colleagues. I waited for him to come home that night, and confronted him with what I had discovered. After trying to deny it a few more times, he finally admitted that he had indeed been cheating on me.

It took me a few days but I decided that I needed to give this relationship another chance. I know it may sound silly, but we had been friends for over 12 years, and if this relationship was going to fail, it would certainly not be on my account. He had promised me that he would stop seeing the other girl, and that he would start communicating with me again, which he did (at least I thought so). our “happy” time lasted a whole 2 weeks before I caught him cheating, again. This was it, I was done, finished. It was 1 day before my birthday, and my family was coming over from abroad to celebrate that following day and they knew nothing of me and mr eX’ issues. But I didn’t care any more, I was beyond finished with this relationship, it was more than over for me, and so I told mr eX to leave our house and find himself another place to live.

Instead of feeling heartbroken, I was surprised to feel relieved. I was glad he was gone, it was finally over. The next day on my birthday I was extremely happy to see my family and celebrate my birthday with just them, like the good old days. This was probably the best birthday I have ever had, and everyone I loved and who needed to be there, was there.

After all of this, I finally had time to focus on my studies, and I did. I locked myself in and did nothing but study and revise for a month. In May I took my final exams but was really not sure whether I had passed or not. It was not until June when I was visiting my family back home and we were at the zoo with my nephew’s that I finally received the results, I PASSED! I felt like this was an absolute miracle. Sure I didn’t do as good as I could have, but I did ok, and I graduated!

It was now time for me to get a job because I had to pay my rent all by myself now. mr eX still owed me a lot of money which I had lend him over the past few years, and it was difficult to get this back. He blamed me for all of his financial problems from then on, and he also kept telling everyone it was all my fault. I should have paid more attention to him because that is why he cheated on me. Luckily I did not let any of that get to me, I know it is not my fault, there is no excuse for cheating or lying, never.

I am very sorry to tell you that mr Ex’ brother passed away in October 2013 of cancer, he left behind his wife and two small children. I was extremely upset when I heard this news, but was not invited to the funeral as mr eX was taking his new girlfriend. I am still however in contact with his parents, which helped me a lot.

After graduation I started working at a call centre, and another one after that, until I finally secured a position with a large financial firm. Unfortunately this is the same company mr eX works for, but I don’t bump in to him that often as the building is quite large.

So 2 years have passed, and like I said, a lot has happened (and trust me this was the short version). I have no regrets, I am exactly where I want to be, and most importantly I am free. I am my own person and do not need a man to be happy (though I do miss the cuddles).

I learnt my lesson though, always trust your gut instinct.. I probably won’t be making that mistake again!

Apologies for the extremely long post, but had to fill you in on what has happened. I will try to start posting more frequently again though! Please leave your comments below, I’d love to hear from you!

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Tough

A few weeks ago I had to go to this presentation, it was about a graduate scheme that this company is running. After the presentation there would be some sort of formal networking event with drinks and canapes.

So of course, I dressed smart; tights, black dress, blazer, heels, hair up, my nicest jewelry, red lipstick.. etc.. you know the formal deal.

Before I went I had to run some errands at the local corner shop, I think we were out of milk or something, and shops would be closed by the time I’d be returning, which is why I went there all dressed up.

I’m standing in queue ready to pay for my things when this old drunk (I assumed) man comes up to me and this is what he said:

“Hey there lovely, are you all right? Had a good day at work did you? You look like you’re a tough one you!”

I really didn’t know what to say.. Of course I realised I was dressed like some sort of business woman, but still, was this man complimenting me or insulting me? I assumed the former and explained to him that I didn’t have work I’m still a student, wished him a good night, paid for my things and walked off.

Being tough, or looking it.. either way, should it be a compliment or not? Is this what or who I want to be? I always do like to think I can handle more crap than most people, but whether this is true or not.. I don’t know..

What do you think?

24 hours is not enough

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It has been a while since my last post, mainly because I just have been too busy! There are so many things going on in my life right now, I can barely keep up with them; university, work, graduate schemes applications, networking events, societies, friends, family…etc. All of this is causing me quite a bit of stress at the moment, which I don’t mind at all, it’s the days off that get to me. Because whenever I get a day off, or a stress-free day at least, my body somehow thinks ‘Oh a day of yes? So you have time for the worst Migraines ever yes?’. And BAM there’s the migraines and headaches on my days off.. oh well.

University is handing me a lot of work to do, and the work itself would be manageable, if it weren’t for the fact that about 80% of it is group work, meaning I spend (waste) most of my time trying to manage all of the groups I’m in and discussing the work rather than actually doing it. Since I’m also a course representative this year, I have addressed this problem to the board, and hopefully they’ll do something about it soon. Although getting people to sign the petitions and backing me up is also taking a lot of time.

Of course I also have my regular work which I have to do, my society work, recruiting people and going to networking events and doing everything to increase my chances of getting a job. Because we all know just having a degree isn’t going to cut it anymore. I’ve also just come to realise that the deadlines for applying to most graduate programmes at large companies are somewhere in the beginning of December already.. Meaning I really have to sort out my CV and cover letters and start applying. Following this there will obviously be a lot of online testing, phone interviews and assessment centres early next year.

And on top of all of that.. the house still needs regular cleaning, food isn’t going to cook itself, and laundry will not magically wash itself either. Oh right and I’m also trying to organise a reunion with some of my first year housemates, and Christmas is coming up as well so I’ll need to do a lot of present-shopping this month too!

So much to do, so little time. Why are there only 24 hours in a day? I really need more than that…

Inspiring Blog Award

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I never ever saw this one coming, as my blogs are just a way for me to express myself and write about my feelings. Being nominated for the Inspiring Blog Award makes me very happy. It is nice to know that my experiences and thoughts can inspire other people. So thank you to Dear Ms. Migraine for nominating me! I am always very inspired by her blogs, because a lot of what she writes applies to my own life, and I can really identify myself with her. So if you haven’t seen her site yet, I urge you to do so, it’s definitely worth your time.

Very Inspiring Blogger Award Rules

1.Display the award logo on your blog.
2.Link back to the person who nominated you.
3.State 7 things about yourself.
4.Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link to them.
5.Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award’s requirements.

Ok so here are mine:

Seven things about me

  1. I am scared of almost everything, but always try to get over my fears by facing them.
  2. My family and friends are everything to me. I would do anything for them.
  3. I would also do anything for anyone else, even complete strangers if it would help them.
  4. I watch Disney movies in my bed whenever I’m ill.
  5. My favourite colour is blue.
  6. I always try to see the positive side of everything and everyone. Even if there isn’t one.
  7. When I was young I wanted to become a veterinarian, this didn’t work out because I’m allergic to most animals.

My 15 nominations

  1. Dear Ms. Migraine
  2. anewfreelife
  3. Culturecopia
  4. True Stories of an Urban Barista
  5. Richard Aliosada Blog
  6. Canadian Hiking Photography
  7. missingmagnet
  8. everythingisblooming
  9. The Pensieve
  10. The New Technologist
  11. infinity + some + 2
  12. Jump for Joy! Photo Project
  13. Word Play
  14. Lakeview
  15. Duffle’s Souffles

What has happened to friendliness?

My mother has always taught me to treat others as I would like to be treated myself, and that I should always be friendly and offer a helping hand to those who might need it. And this is exactly what I do, or at least try to do.

I always try to be friendly to others, smile at strangers and stop walking whenever someone asks me something on the streets. I answer questions politely and try to help others whenever I can. So the same will happen while I’m at uni, my classmates or other people ask me for help, and I help them. I don’t expect anything in return at all, I help because its the right thing to do, because this is what my mother has taught me to do. And when I was younger, this was normal.

However lately I’ve been noticing something, and I must say that it does slightly annoy me but there is no real way of stopping it. At uni, people will ask me for favors  or help, or they just ask me general questions and what I will do anything I can to help them out as much as I can. But the other day, I needed a favour… I didn’t have a group for one of the group coursework  so I asked my ‘ friends’  if I could be in theirs, and the answer was no, because we already have the maximum amount of people. Later on I figured out that they had let someone else into their group, and this person wasn’t even their friend. 

It’s not just uni, but everywhere I go, the general answer that people give when something is asked of them is ‘no’. So am I stupid for saying yes? I asked my mother for advice and she said to stop saying yes if people were not returning the favours to me. I explained to her that I couldn’t stop being friendly because that was exactly what annoyed me about the world nowadays, and it would make me exactly the same. 

If a better world starts with myself, I can’t do nothing else except for continue to be friendly, polite, and helpful to others. Even if (most) people won’t do the same for me. Right?

Home Alone

Since I moved abroad, I don’t think I have ever really been ‘home alone’. Last year and the year before that I was living in halls or with friends, and there was always someone home. And ever since we moved in here a few months ago, my boyfriend has been home every single night. But now he’s gone for the weekend, and I’m all by myself.. I must say I do like it when I’m alone during the day, nobody to disturb me so I can do my own things without having to mind anyone else. However, during the night, I don’t like being alone… AT ALL.

As soon as it goes dark outside and there’s nobody else in the house, I start hearing sounds and become paranoid. “What was that? Is there someone in the house? Could it be a burglar? Did I lock the doors and windows?”. And it gets even worse when I actually have to go to bed and turn off the lights. I sometimes imagine seeing things move in the darkness that surrounds me, and I get scared. I cover myself completely with my duvet, even my head (because we all know that’s what will save your life). And when it gets really really bad I just turn on the lights and the TV and just sit there all night..

Last night when I was home alone I had a migraine though. I took some medication for it and went to bed. I slept for 12 hours straight and woke up full of energy this morning. Usually when my boyfriend is home I can’t sleep that well because of him tossing and turning and holding me too tight all night.

But I must conclude, that I prefer to have him here with me, to protect me from the darkness, and I’d rather not sleep so well..

Worst headache ever


Ok, so my head really really really hurts today, and it has been like this all weekend.

What you must know about me is that I have been suffering from chronic headaches since the age of 14 or so. I would get migraine attacks so bad that I would be unable to get up or even open my eyes, and these attacks would come about 6 to 7 times a month and last for about 2 or 3 days at a time. I wasn’t diagnosed properly until some 4 years ago, which is when I started to use medication to prevent these attacks. The migraine is now less frequent, thank god, but if I do get it, it is still just as bad.

Last year I started getting other headaches as well, on top of the migraines. Except for this headache wouldn’t go away, ever.. It’s a headache of the head-splitting pain kind, the one when sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be easier to just.. die. I went to see several doctors, but none of them could help me. They sent me to the hospital for scans and tests, but all of them came back negative. So in the end, they concluded it must be ‘facial pain’, because it wasn’t anything else. Although I still think it might be because they didn’t test for everything, only the most obvious. Luckily these facial pains went down a bit over the last few months, I’m now just hoping they won’t come back. (Because that has already happened 6 months ago).

I have learnt to deal with these headaches over time, both the facial pain and the migraines. It isn’t just hard on me, but also on my friends and family, and especially on my boyfriend. I can’t always do everything I want to do, either because I already have a headache, or because the activity might trigger one. And they don’t and can’t understand what pain I am going through, they have never experienced anything more than a normal headache. They try to understand, they really do, but they just can’t…

Anyways, the headache I’m having right now is of a whole different kind, it is of the kind that you get when you actually hit your head, hard. So how did this happen? Let me tell you…

NEVER NEVER NEVER drink when you’re upset, EVER! I went out last Friday evening to have a few drinks with my boyfriend and meet some of his new colleagues. We were supposed to meet in a bar, so I waited there for them to finish work, for over an hour. I was already slightly upset with my boyfriend because of some messages I found regarding some other girl, but I knew he’d never cheat on me so I was trying to let it go. So when he and his colleagues didn’t stood me up I was ever more annoyed at him. I got a text message saying that they had been in another bar all this time and if I please wanted to come join them. I didn’t have any other plans nor do I have many other friends, so I got up and went there. Mind you, I was wearing high heels and pretty make-up and had done my hair and everything, and it was raining outside. I didn’t have an umbrella and had to walk all the way (15 mins) to the other bar, which got me even more agitated.

Once I finally got there I started drinking. Way too much in way too little time. I remember drinking a few double amaretto’s, double bacardi coke’s, a few tequila shots and some unknown shots and loads of beer. I drank this much because I was upset, not a good reason to drink.. I know. I was only there for about 2 hours when my boyfriend decided it was time to go home, because he didn’t have dinner yet. Which reminds me of the fact that I didn’t eat anything all day either. So we went home.

Once we got home I went to the bathroom to pee and to clean myself up because I just wanted to go to bed. Next thing I remember is being on the cold bathroom floor. I must have slipped or something. My head hurt, I think I hurt my head by falling over and hitting it into the bathroom wall. When I woke up I felt sick and vomited. After that I turned on the shower and just sat under the hot running water until I finally felt better. I got up, threw on one of my boyfriend’s old shirts and went to bed. All this time my boyfriend didn’t realise I had fallen down, he just thought I was taking a shower. And besides, I had locked the bathroom door so even if he did know he would have a hard time coming to save me…

Today is Monday, and my head still hurts. I think I probably have a minor concussion. I know because I have had these before (clumsy me) and it fits all the symptoms. So after all these years of chronic headaches which I could do nothing about.. I could have actually prevented this one. I feel stupid. Luckily it didn’t end as bad as it could have, and I’ll be fine in a day or two.

But trust me, I am never drinking again! (Well at least not this much and not in this little time, and especially not when I’m upset)

Awkward

Ok, so I can’t draw very well, but this is supposed to be me. On occasion I get these creative urges and I start to draw and sketch, they usually result in some sort of a childish drawing like the self-portrait you see right here. It may be clear that I will never make a living as an artist.. oh well.

Anyways, let me tell you about my day, which was.. awkward. As I’ve told you before in my first post, the final year of my studies has started. Last week were the introductions and today the classes started as well. In final year, most modules are elective modules, meaning that students chose these modules themselves. I chose 5 different modules to go with the 2 mandatory ones, and apparently as I found out today, I was the only one of my previous classmates and friends that chose these specific modules.

I showed up to my first class, all by myself, as I didn’t have anyone to go with. When I arrived at the classroom, people were already in it, but as the seminar wasn’t meant to start for another 15 minutes, I wasn’t sure if this was my class or the previous one. I looked through the windows but didn’t recognize anyone at all, not even vaguely, so I just waited outside the room, having concluded that this must be the previous class still. After about 5 minutes two girls showed up, looking as clueless as me, they checked the room number and I asked them if they were there for the same module seminar as me. They said yes and continued to just walk into the room. From that, it was obvious that this was indeed my class… So I had to walk in as well, and I did, only to be stared at by 15 strange faces because yes, they had seen me standing outside the classroom as well.. awkward.

After 10 minutes of awkward silence between me and the rest of the class, the teachers finally walked in, and asked everyone to introduce themselves. I was almost the last one and the only one from my year, as introductions made clear. Apparently it is very unusual for someone from my course to pick this specific module, and according to the teachers I should be attending every single lecture and seminar, even the optional ones, because my course was different. For some reason everyone thought this was funny, so all eyes turned to me and stared, some giggled.. I felt slight annoyed and my face turned slightly red, because I don’t deal well with lots of attention… Awkward indeed.

The class continued to ignore me after this, even in the following lecture, which was coincidentally the same module. So far for making new friends.. On top of all this, I only picked this module because the assessment did not involve any exams, it was 100% coursework based, however the teachers informed my during this first seminar that the syllabus had changed at that the assessment would be 100% exam based, a 3hr one… Why???

Hopefully I’ll have better luck tomorrow in some of my other modules. I know that I won’t know many people, but still, hoping people won’t stare as if I’m an alien!

A change of tides

Last week I had decided that I would no longer sit still and just wait for whatever the future might bring. I signed up to be a committee member for a society that could significantly increase my chances of getting a job after graduation, as well as improve my employability. I also decided to start helping out at open days at the university and also applied for a social media job there. On top of all this I am trying to teach myself French, and am entering my final year of university in which I will have to do extensive research and write long reports for about 8 different modules. This year is going to be a very, very busy one.

Will it be finally time for me to stop being lazy or unmotivated? Maybe I have finally found some sort of motivation, I must admit, since graduation is closing in on me, I am getting sort of anxious for what lies ahead of me. Could fear of being unemployed be enough to push me forward?

What do I even want out of life? I want to be a successful business manager, preferably of a ‘green’ organisation or maybe even a non-profit organisation. I want enough money to make a decent living, a nice detached house with a view, and a nice car or maybe two. I do want children; one or two of my own, and maybe adopt one as well. I want to be able to afford good schools for my children, so they won’t have to start all over from scratch, like me. Because what would be the point of being successful if in the end I either die alone, or have nobody to pass my money and success on to? I basically want what everyone wants, wealth and happiness for me and my family.

So yesterday I started my work as a committee member of the society. It included marketing work and I was out and about all day trying to get other students to sign up for the society, which meant repeating myself over and over again all day until I nearly lost my voice. I was exhausted at the end of this day, but very satisfied as well. I remember this feeling from when I used to work full time for about 6 years before I went back to university. These were simple jobs though, and I wanted more than that. And now it feels like I’m finally doing something to get myself exactly that.

I am finally changing, less lazy, more ambitious.

First of the Last

Today is the first day of my final year at university, well at least I think so because since prices went up, I probably won’t be able to afford postgraduate studies after this.

It is frightening in a way, knowing that after this year, I won’t have much choice but to enter the big bad world of business. I will be forced to ‘grow up’ and act like an adult. Yet I am also quite happy that this will be the final year, I can finally say goodbye to all of the late nights studying and writing reports that are due the next day, university ‘homework’ never stops, but when you’re lucky, you will be able to leave your work at your workplace rather than taking it home.

This will be a year of mixed feelings, a year with many things to do and to think about, a year of welcoming new friends and saying goodbye to some of the old. What do I want to do when I graduate? Where do I want to work? Should I reconsider paying the extra money and  go for the postgraduate studies anyway?

Hello year of many choices…